Realizing how long it has been since I opened up this site made me wonder why.. I hadn’t come back to really look at it since the day I posted the OCPD blog. Watching the amount of views over a couple hours rise higher and higher made me sick. But- also gave me a great sense of relief and pride. Thinking about how long it has been made want to share one of my favorite analogies that I was told by my psychiatrist. We had this discussion maybe my 2nd… 3rd.. visit? When I started to acknowledge how much my obsessions and perfectionism was getting in the way of living my life happily.
A common problem people have, which was one of/still is one of my continuous works in progress, is overly caring what other people think of me. How self-centered right?
But no, it was my perfectionism and obsessiveness coming in to play. Having someone think badly of something I said/do was the ultimate failure. And if you remember to me… failure has never been an option.
Yes- I have been told as you get older, more mature, more established and comfortable with yourself that you eventually quit caring what others think, blah blah blah.. But, what I couldn’t get over was WHY.
Why do I give others so much power over my mind and keep one word, one sentence, one conversation, or one action, with and individual lingering in my short and long term memory. Replaying and replaying a conversation trying to realize where I went wrong, what I could have said/done differently, and THEN what thoughts are in that persons head after that interaction is over with. This all had started to drive me mad.
When I explained these scenarios to my psychiatrist he would ask me, “Why does this bother you..” Me: well, I hate letting others down to think poorly of me. “Why lull on something you can’t control..” Me: well, I HAD control, until I opened my big mouth and said the “wrong” thing and now god knows what/how they are thinking/feeling.
And then the question that he asked me that now, sticks with me daily was, “And why are you so special..?”
At first I was a little put off and offended by this question. And also super super confused.
Suddenly started to analyze and think, “well shit now he thinks I’m self centered and self obsessed..”
And then he asked again, “What makes you so special that you think you impacted that persons day that much to allow yourself to continually worry and fret over their interpretation of your conversation.
And that was it- “their interpretation.” Yeah, of course I have control over my actions and what comes out of my mouth, but what I don’t have control over is the way they take in the information, process it, and ultimately interpret it.
And then the analogy came into play. He explained to me… (with my interpretation and examples)
“Picture your life as a movie.You, are the main character. Each hour of your day is a new scene that will play out. In this movie you have other primary characters, the ones who are closest to you, have the most impact on your life or that you spend the most time with. (For me, this of course would be my family, friends, and pets:)… And then, you have secondary characters. Individuals in your life that you have contact with, impact your life, but also will come and go depending on where your future takes you. (coworkers, neighbors, etc) Everyone else, the people who you may just meet once, twice, even three times- they are the extras in your movie. (The lady at the store bagging your groceries, the asshole who cut you off in traffic, the homeless guy begging on the corner of the street.) All of these people make an appearance in your movie but really only will come into play in your life as much as you, the main character, will allow them to.”
“Each person is living their own movie, every hour of every day. And you are just a character in their scene. That person is living a whole life that you don’t even know. To them their primary character may be their elderly mother who is fighting for her life. Their main scenes would involve multiple trips to the nursing home and calls to the hospital. To this person, the stupid comment you said or action that you completed was basically an outtake in their movie. WHY ARE YOU SO SPECIAL to think that this person is putting you first in their movie to lull over “how rude was she during that conversation” or “where the heck she get her hair done” or “why is this girl is so obsessed with her dogs” (ha!) When in reality you were really just a scene in their movie. You came, you left, and they are moving on to the next scene before you even have a chance to start over analyze where you “could have” went wrong. ”
Why give others the power of your mind, your anxieties, your doings.. you’re just apart of their scene.
Okay- I ramble and sometimes over think stuff.. HA.
So, here I am now wondering if this even makes sense to you.. Or, what you will be thinking when you are finished reading this. (“wow that was stupid.” or maybe- “I like that, maybe i’ll try it.” But, the good thing is, you will read it today as only scene in your movie and then move on to bigger and better secondary characters. 🙂
MentalStealth 
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