Self Help…?

All of these self help books tell us to basically throw in the towel, pull up your big girl panties and choose the path that you always wanted to but never felt as thought you were able to. Why not? Because that’s not “you”. That’s not who “you” are…. hm. Interesting thought. What one doesn’t realize is that no one knows “you” better than yourself. So- you’re told to fuck the world, fuck the haters and follow your heart.. follow your dreams..

Time out: did I mention this will come along with loss of friends, disappointing family, gaining massive debt, feelings of isolation, guilt, remorse, worry.. losing “stuff” that looked great, so it was supposed to make you feel great.. well not only will that decision to do what you may see is the right thing completely flip your world upside down, it will also be the great opportunity you have ever had to grow as a person, and realize what it is in your life that needs to happen to start feeling whole.

Another thing that was left out on this happily ever after was heartache, the depression, the insomnia, the tears.. until one day.. after you have just dumped out your 1,000 piece puzzle out on the ground, you start turning over the pieces. You face them picture up; maybe sort them by colors, shapes, sizes.. putting all of the pieces of the boarder in one pile and the center pieces in the other.

And then what happens.. you start to connect the pieces, you slowly and carefully make sure that the pieces that you think fit together actually fit together. Even though you may want to force two pieces together.. if they are not the two the link.. you’re whole picture won’t turn out correctly.

Now let me ask you.. why does it take us so long to dump the pieces out of the box? Are we scared that some of them will get lost? Or some pieces my fall on the floor? Maybe some might already be missing, or looking at them all laid out may be defeating in itself?

But guess what.. all of those things could happen. And you might just have to go about another way to get your puzzle pieces together.

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Back to where I started.. trying to become you and find out who you are.. not what society expects you to be is a mountain to be climbed.. especially if you’re growing up in a town where everyone and their dog knows if you sneeze wrong.. constantly feeling as though you need to seek approval by having the perfect Instagram filter, or coolest news to brag about on Facebook.

Oh! don’t get me wrong- it’s apart of the social construction, and I was that person. My happiness was rooted in what others thought of me. The picture perfect life that appeared to be unfolding before their eyes. The high you get from all the compliments and nice words others say is what fuels you from day to day. You walk around smiling because “this is what happiness is, I should be happy, therefore I am happy.”

But you know what happens when you run your life in a way in which you’re constantly seeking approval from others? Nothing is never enough, you’re always living in the future.. looking, seeking, searching for the next big thing that you’re “supposed” to be doing, “supposed” to be buying, finding, accomplishing, you name it.. you’re not living your life for you; you’re living it for others.

PAUSE! In NO way, shape, or form, am I saying that I wasn’t so unbelievably grateful, and thankful for everything that has gotten me to where I am at this point in my life. No one wronged me. If fact, I was treated pretty damn well (and liked to believe that this was reciprocated) But it was me, I wronged me.

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Picture this: Having “the dream,” what was seen as the “perfect life” and being accomplished, successful, blah blah blah (more narcissistic nonsense…) and then you wake up each morning exhausted when you should be fully rested, you cry yourself to sleep when you should be having sweet dreams, you seek help and get meds but it’s only seems to do so much.. you look around and feel like an ungrateful human because you have what only others could dream about.. but you find yourself wondering, “why am I not happy?”….”how am I not happy?”

You wake up.. and come to realize, the whole time this story has been no ones fault but your own.