the further-

Asking for help isn’t shameful.. it’s lifesaving-

 

I find myself being distant from my computer for great lengths of time. You would think as someone who “blogs” that they would do a better job at keeping up on it, but honestly it is something that isn’t in my daily thoughts. Until, lately I have had people ask me when the last time I wrote was, which usually is always followed by the “how have you been?” question… I hate that question.

Why do we naturally always respond “good” when someone asks “how are you?” “how’s your day going?” “how has your week been”… We say good. But why?.. Humans are so scared to let others see that they may be struggling, or that they really are NOT doing well. Is it because we are supposed to sink or swim? Is it the survival of the fittest?

Personally, I think it’s stigma. It’s not okay now days for someone to be going through a hard time. If they are, they seem to do everything they can to cover it up and pain the perfect picture. But like… if someone were to ask me “how was your year?”

HAHAHAHA. 

I would ask them how much time they have and if they were going to plan on charging me per hour. So, “good” is the simple, easy response so no one has to sit and listen to what may be a sappy/horror/romantic/dramatic transcription of the past 12 months of my life.

It is insane though.. looking back. How much has changed in the last 12 months. HUGE changes. LIFE CHANGING circumstances seemed to pop up whenever I thought I had seen the light at the end of the tunnel.

When I look back at last year at this time, I feel like I was planning on having a baby soon.. WHAT! yeah- Because that was the next step right? I got the education, the husband, the house, the job, so next.. a family. But, as we all know i’m sitting here in my townhome, alone in my room with no one except Otis. Actually, earlier this morning I saw Dawson and our realtor at the Title company to officially sell our house. I hope the new owners love it as much as I did.

Anyways-I’m off topic. Last year, this time. SO many events happened, people came and left my life in ways that I never even imagined. Have you ever met someone who instantly changed your world? That you didn’t know people like that existed? That is felt like you were born into a new time, where everything was different?… I did. Have you ever lost someone? Who you thought you’d be laughing and crying with until you were old, gray, wrinkled, and didn’t give any cares in the world? The person who seemed was in your life for a reason, and you come to find out that maybe the toxicity isn’t helping either of you be happy? I did.  OH! And, have you ever met that person that seemed to be your knight in shining armor, who pulls you from the moat when you were trying to cross the bridge to get to the castle? I did that too:)

I went to work at 530am one morning in April with a duffle bag in my back seat, tears rolling down my face, and what felt like an elephant sitting on my chest. I didn’t know where I was going to stay that night. All my friends in Boise are married.. it just didn’t seem appropriate to be couch hopping between couples.

Scared, embarrassed, broken, anxious, fearful, worried…. all of these thoughts were flying around in my head. Never have I ever not had a plan. HA! If you know me, you know that I need to have basically every minute of my life scheduled or else I’ll feel lost.

Attempting to concentrate at work, with a head full of thoughts and a heart full of emotion- I contacted my knight. A new friend who came into my life since moving to Boise, who will forever be someone I can turn to. (you know- that person that you don’t need to talk everyday, every week, or even every month, and you know they will be there for you.. you know that no matter what time of day or night they will answer your call, or take you in when your homeless?

I showed up to her place after work and was welcomed with open arms. For about a week she housed me and I’ll never be more grateful. Holy shit, was I scared.. I had never felt so alone.. And you know the worst part- I again, had done this to myself. I hadn’t let anyone in my family, my friends.. no one knew what was going on in my life, or marriage for that sake. I was embarrassed, I was scared of what others would think.. what they would say. What gossip was going to be said, who is going to say it and who is going to hear it?

This whole time I did my best to pay out my new way of thinking “just a movie scene” (explained in a prior blog post).. but it’s hard. It’s REALLY hard. So much of our lives revolve around others: what is going on in their lives, how it is affecting us, and the situations at hand. Good gosh, someone please I wish they would have slapped me in the face. Told me to pick up the phone.. call my mom, call my dad, or sister.. or ANY of my friends.. but I couldn’t… I was paralyzed.

Living life one day at a time, [literally] is not something that is apart of my character. This was new to me.. way new, and did I say scary? Woof. This next part you may want to be sitting down for…

The beginning of May, I moved into an apartment.. with some random people… that I met… on, CRAIGSLIST! I KNOW. WTF. Okay, it may not sound strange to you but.. I’m a person who doesn’t like to carpool with others because I may have to make small talk, or use the phone to make an appointment because I’m too anxious about sounding weird.

But back to the apartment. On campus, 4th floor, with 2 ladies who were currently BSU students. Of course Otis was with me. Really- this all isn’t even important.. but what is important is how much I changed in those 3 months. I made a decision that I was going to be a “yes” person.. That I wasn’t going to turn down opportunities that came my way..

It’s a work night, but the roommates are going out to see a DJ (who I have never heard of) play at one of the local bars. I went.  It’s a weekend and I want to go roam around down town, find some coffee, a place in the park to do my homework, and relax. alone.  I said yes to get coffee and “meeting up for a beer” with people who I would meet during regular everyday interactions. I tried to widen my scope that seemed to forever be so small. I also promised myself at this point in time, I would be alone, and stay alone for a little while. I said no to dates as “dates” and worked at looking at the big picture of life rather than the micro version that my brain seemed so accustomed to.

Before I knew it I had my lovely Bri move to Boise and we signed a year lease on a wonderful little townhome perfect for 2. (Well actually 3, but we are really picky about letting someone else rent..) Here I am, like I said in my room with my Otis- reflecting on this year and what I learned that can maybe help someone out there. Or maybe just help one person think differently, or open up a view of their life that they never thought they could experience.

We are our own evil. If I would have been open, honest, and asked for help.. I may have saved relationships and friendships

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