Journey to letting go

A reader once asked me “what led you to the journey of helping others… what helped you put that foot forward in letting go and fighting for your life again?”

The crazy thing is- I didn’t realize I had anything to let go of until all of a sudden life seemed to slap me across the face. Life told me to wake up and quit messing around, quite being someone I wasn’t.  Looking back, would I do things differently? 110%.  But would I change taking that leap? Never.

Through many tears, panic attacks, days unable to get out of bed, isolation from those closest to me and scary thoughts, I was able to detangle what I had thought was my dream life and create a braid of real, pure, happiness.

Thinking back- it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it was that made me start the change. But I knew once I started, that there was absolutely no going back. I knew that there was a HUGE risk that I was making a mistake and that I could be turning my life inside out to only then end up miserable.

There is something to be said about individualizing the way in which we rationalize and make decisions. Often the struggle is said to come when people are comparing what their heart wants vs. what their brain is telling them they should do. For me, both of these variables were very separate, very opposite, and quite obvious. But I had a third variable come into play that I think people often forget to consider. My gut.

In my daily work, I assess suicidal individuals and need to make the determination about what property items they may be given, where they will be housed, and how often they need to be seen by a professional to ensure their safety. Looking at that from an outside perspective- that is a lot of responsibility.. a lot of power and trust put into me that I will make the most appropriate, clinically sound choices to keep this person safe.

But along with the hours of class lectures, practicum hours, and work experience comes that intuition, or gut feeling. As mammals, we are wired to know when something isn’t right. Whether that be  we are in physical danger and need to prepare for fight or flight, or just have an uneasy sense of something being “off.”

This feeling- is what I experienced when I first realized that I had to make a change in my life. It was a feeling that no matter how hard I tried to push away, it wouldn’t leave.  No matter what I did in my social, professional or personal life, it still hung around.. Don’t misunderstand me and think that the anxiety and fear of making a change were obsolete… those feelings were taking up just as much, if not more, space in my chest than that gut feeling was in my stomach.

What it came down to was a decision, a promise to myself that I was going to put myself first. With that the first step was preparation. Mentally I prepared myself for what I knew was going to be the hardest what others are going to think/say about me.

I had to fake it until I made it and told myself that I don’t care. I humored myself with self talk and thoughts like “if others have time to talk poorly about me, they must be bored with their own lives, therefore I pity them.” I had to mentally prepare for what rumors were going to spread and how I was going to handle them emotionally.  “I know my truth, I know what happened, let them believe what they want.” I had to prepare for not only what I thought or what I heard others say, but also what they would say to my face. I had to prepare myself to tell family members that “even though they don’t agree with my choices, this is what I need to do for me.” I had to be my own advocate, my own solace and my own support.

Ultimately, what the beginning of my journey boiled down to was my gut feeling and lots of self-talk and prayer to get me through. PREPARATION has always been my way of alleviating anxiety… and it became no different when it came to a life-altering decision.